I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
This house was built for laser tag.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
