this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
