Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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