why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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