I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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