Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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