Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
