I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
