Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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