Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
