It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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