It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
