I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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