Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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