Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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