dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I believe in your delicious
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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