My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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