I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
