Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
