I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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