i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
