u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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