Where is the hickey?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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