i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
