Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
