Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
