she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
