Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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