I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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