Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
