Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
