I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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