Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
