My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
