i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
