I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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