EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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