Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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