party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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