can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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