I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
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I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
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Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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