I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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