True but thats because hes a fetus.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
