If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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