I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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