We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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