He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
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to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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