At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
