go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it because I queefed?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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