my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
