She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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