there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
