i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
