I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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